The mountains loomed in the distance and I counted the scars on my legs, trying to remember every stumble. I had no course. I never did. But wherever it was I was going, I would get there. I would get there by playlists, by long rides, by plane tickets, by passion, by saying I love you, by standing up for myself, by doing what was wrong and then doing what was right, by doing what was selfish and then doing what was noble, I would get there.
I would get there and I would be fine. And then I would be good. And pretty soon after that, I would be lightning.
~ Date By Numbers
Today I woke up to sharp words from a person who has never once brought out the good in me. I’d wondered for nearly a year where the story would end and I finally found out this morning: at one of the highest points in southern California, my smile wide and integrity maintained.
Of course I wanted to be in love, of course I wanted to have someone light up my night in the darkest hours, of course, of course I did. But I wanted a novel, I wanted a story in motion, and I didn’t want that love to be the end of the story. I wanted him to be a character and I wanted our novels to crash together and rivet us. I wanted to be bewildered and have my breath stolen and the rug ripped out from under me and to read him top to bottom for the rest of time. I didn’t want the prepackaged combined income and health benefits home in the good school district. People told me I would want these things by now. And I tried to. But I exhausted myself trying to be what they wanted.
On Longing (Date By Numbers)
It’s like this little lady lives inside my head, articulating the thoughts I can’t quite get out.
As O’Brien learned from relationship educator Pat Love, women sometimes nickname their not-yet-fully-boyfriends to defer recognizing them as whole humans and thus minimize the despair if these guys disappear without warning. But according to a recently graduated member of a fraternity at Brown University—let’s call him Dan—it’s not about that for guys.
“We don’t do it all the time,” Dan explained. “But I think when we do, it’s because referring to a girl by name makes her sound like your girlfriend. ‘I’m hanging out with Lisa later’ makes it sound much more serious than ‘I’m hanging out with The Wrestler,’” he told me, adding that “The Wrestler” was a friend’s consistent hookup whose last name sounded like “wrestler.”
There’s a whole lot of what
happening on this article on The Atlantic